My Goodbye Letter to an Old Friend…
Dear Old Friend,
I have missed you terribly. There are days when I miss being able to call you and hear your voice. I often reminisce on our friendship and how that journey started. You, this cool poetic guy who made weird jokes and read anime and me, a girl longing to find her identity, highly dramatic but introverted at heart. When you asked to be bestfriends, I was elated, I finally found someone who without a doubt I can be my true self with.
As we graduated and life took over, we grew into different people, but the love and support of two bestfriends stayed consistent. We were struggling, yet happy and free to be whoever we were. We weren’t prepared for our trauma and past to meet us and to really bring us to reality, a place we often covered up and eluded so that we can be fun and fancy free but it embraced us, and we changed.
I didn’t understand the depth of your trauma. I knew that there were a few dark pages in your book of life, but I never knew the ink from those pages began to bleed through. I watched you turn into a completely different person; someone I no longer recognized. I wanted to help you but didn’t have the proper tools. I take accountability…I knew you needed more than I could provide you and yet I allowed my ego and the idea of who you were to be the determining factor on enabling the behavior. But I loved you. You were my friend, my bestfriend and I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you.
I’m sorry. I never took into account the suicide attempts, the alcohol and drug binges, even the self infliction was a cry for help and a true sign of your mental health declining. I allowed you -under my care – to go deeper into that rabbit hole of depression and anxiety and the nightmares and thought that maybe love and friendship was enough to bring you back. Even after that dragging you did to me all over social media, the threats from people you knew to take my life or to cause harm to me, the name calling, I remained silent because in some sick twisted way it was a release for you, and I was willing to take the fall so that you at some point would be able to come back to who you were.
I never meant to hurt you, but do you realize how you affected me too? The rides at 3 am trying to find you after you attempted to take your life, the times I had to pick you up after you were too drunk to get home, the hospital calls after you were literally unconscious from whatever drug/alcohol mix you took or even those days where I watched you wallow in self pity because you felt you weren’t good enough. It broke my heart seeing someone with such a light be demised to this little boy still trying to find his voice. It transformed me too.
Being a part of your downfall shined a light on a lot of things I myself was dealing with. I never took into account that I had my own issues with things and that you helped me become aware of my own issues. I was fucked up and I was in denial yet, you were a reflective mirror that highlighted the dark pages of my own book. Because of this, I am working on myself. I have a long way to go but I am better because it.
I wish that things were different. I wish we could go back to being those two 16 year olds who ate Ritas reading anime and debating about which one of us would have kids first. I long for those moments where I was always able to give you a hug and tell you how much I love you and how I am so proud of you. But we have to say goodbye.
No longer can I wait with the idea of the person I knew would come back to me. He is gone. And the girl you knew is gone too. We are on two separate paths that may never meet again but I cherish the memories of what used to be and what could have been. I pray for you because I know that the light is still there. But that is something you have to find on your own. And I must do the same.
Good Bye Friend.